someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
