Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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