He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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