I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize