YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
not ubering you a puppy
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
