fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
