Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
