I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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