Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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