Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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