Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
