can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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