Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
