my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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