Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
