Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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