I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
