4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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