im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize