Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
