I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
