Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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