If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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