my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize