I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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