I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
