Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
