K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
