I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
