you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
false alarm, still single
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