found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize