He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize