i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
