so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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