Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize