Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
