So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize