shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
