I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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