I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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