The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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