I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize