i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize