I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
