my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
