What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
