i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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