I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
