I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize