it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
