This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
