Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
