Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize