I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
