I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
