One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
