So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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