When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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