I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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